When Judging Someone’s Appearance, Think Before You Speak By Lisa Mulholland

Something happened to me this week that I just feel I need to share.

After a tumultuous few months of my health spiralling out of control, hospital admissions, and all manner of tests, as well as launching a complaint against my former GP for negligence (that’s a long story for another blog): I decided to move GPs. I quickly got diagnosed with diabetes and have been trying to come to terms with that, amongst a long list of other health conditions and chronic illnesses; but at least I finally started to feel like I was being taken seriously.

My diabetic specialist was really supportive this week and has finally started me in some medication. She even said “you should have been treated a long time ago, and the medication will not only help the diabetes but help you lose weight”. I was relieved and feeling very positive.

I’m determined to beat diabetes.

Just one final hurdle to this sorry saga and that was having to have a telephone conversation with one of my new GPs before starting the medication.

She called me up and discussed it all and then… ‘fat shamed’ me.

She’s not met me in person, doesn’t yet know my medical history or anything but she took one look at my BMI and made assumptions about me. I instantly felt awful, responsible for all these issues and like the diabetes is all my fault. I felt deflated.

This is how the conversation went:

Doctor: “I see you’re diabetic and we should start you on some medication. But I am looking at your BMI, (and then she tutted) well what are YOU going to do about this”

I said “ well I’m going to try and lose weight, but I don’t actually eat that badly : and I’ve been trying to follow diabetic recipes and lost…” she interrupted and sniggered at me, and made a noise that sounded like “Pah” . Before I could tell her that I’d lost 5lbs since being diagnosed two weeks ago.

So then I tried to explain again and she spoke over me and said ” I want to know what are YOU going to do” and I said “I just explained” and she said “ I don’t like this BMI AT ALL, this is terrible” so I said “no neither do I, I’ve been trying…” again she interrupted me ” OK I’ll put you on this medication but YOU need to do SOMETHING” . Again I tried to explain what I had been doing and the endless doctors visits and blood tests that had been ignored by my previous GP. Not to mention my pleads for referrals to dieticians, but she wouldn’t let me speak despite asking me what I was going to do! And on it went. Me justifying myself about my weight like I have done all my life…. The thing is I’ve been justifying myself since being medically underweight too.

Yes, I am overweight, obese in fact, but she has made assumptions about me without talking to me properly. Perhaps she assumes that I sit around eating cake all day, or that I over eat? Perhaps she assumes that I like being like this? Or that it is my fault?

What she doesn’t know is that there has been a long and winding journey in getting to this point. She also doesn’t know that before I first encountered diabetes when I got diabetes in pregnancy 15 years ago, then in subsequent pregnancies, was that I was actually medically underweight and battled then for answers too. Only to be rubbished then.

And I promise you, I haven’t changed a single thing about my lifestyle from that point until now, except acquire diagnoses for long standing health conditions such as EDS and an EDS related heart condition (from birth , not from being overweight I might add) and pernicious anaemia to name a few.

I got quite upset after the phone call and started to think about everything I’d done or not done and felt a lot of guilt about being diabetic.

I started to think about where it all started to go ‘wrong’ for me in the weight department. I had gestational diabetes in each of my 3 pregnancies which made me gain almost 5 stone very quickly despite being on insulin injections. Each pregnancy has made it harder to shift the weight. And over time the weight just started piling on. Without me literally changing one thing about my lifestyle.

Hard to believe but it’s true.

So a dramatic weight gain of this proportion, in my opinion, was odd.

Yes I know that we tend to gain a bit of weight as we get older . But we are talking a dramatic weight gain.

I now weigh more than double what I weighed before I was pregnant for the first time!

When I’ve tried to explain this to doctors and other people that didn’t know me before my weight gain, you see in their eyes the lack of belief that someone could change weight that dramatically with no known cause.

But the photos prove it.

From underweight :

To morbidly obese :

Without changing anything in eating habits or exercise...

Then I got thinking about my ‘skinny days’. And the memories came flooding back. People used to make assumptions about me then too. Friends and family used to be shocked that I could eat a fair amount of food and not exercise much yet look like this:

Then I remembered the abuse I used to get. See the thing is I may get fat shamed now, but it’s not nearly as vicious or frequent as the ‘skinny shame’ I used to receive.

Yes. Not a subject we hear of very often. Is it even a thing? Skinny shaming…

I’d be walking down the road minding my own business and a car would drive past. People would shout out cruel things like “Anorexic” or “ Eat a burger for fucks sake”.

I once had someone approach me in the street. She crossed the road and came up to me and said “Are you anorexic” I said “No” and she said “well you look like you are and you look like you’re dying”. I was left standing there in total shock and really ashamed. So I started to wear bigger clothing to hide my body. I got a real complex about my looks and my self esteem took a nose dive. When discussing this problem with friends or family they would just roll their eyes.

There is no sympathy for people that are too skinny.

I tried going to dieticians and had some tests done to find out why I could not put on weight. All the tests came back inconclusive, but with a diagnosis of an inflammatory bowel condition.

So I got on with life. But as my weight went up and up, I started to feel the same embarrassment creep over me as when I was underweight.

Even when I was a normal weight people that knew me would be shocked how I’d changed and feel the need to comment on my weight.

“Oh look at you , you’re finally putting on weight” … “It’s really funny seeing you with a bit of weight on you, it’s about time” etc etc blah blah blah BLAH

Then I went back to covering my body, worrying about what people would think. And this was before I entered the official ‘overweight’ category. On top of having to deal with underlying conditions, it can be really damaging to one’s self esteem.

So when the doctor called me and ‘fat shamed’ me, after all the hell I’ve been through after the last few months. I felt I had to put pen to proverbial paper.

The point of this rant is that it didn’t matter what weight I was. People felt compelled to comment.

Whether I was underweight, gaining weight, overweight or obese (and I have been in all 4 categories) the fact remained; people make assumptions about you and your appearance.

They feel the need to comment, ask intrusive questions, make jokes and judge you.

They have no idea the story behind your appearance.

They have no idea about the person behind the BMI score.

But the effect is the same. It leads you to have low self esteem and make excuses about my eating habits or the content of my wardrobe. Things that are personal.

The bottom line is people don’t have the right to judge others by the way they look. Ok I guess the doctors’ job is to be concerned about my weight, but did she have to patronise me, interrupt me and make me feel like shit?

Did she have to make assumptions? Couldn’t she have asked me about my BMI and let me explain instead?

Does it really matter to anyone (who is not my doctor) if I am obese or underweight? Why does it bother other people?

Surely the questions people should be asking themselves about me are am I a good person?

Am I a good friend?

Am I a good mum? Wife? Citizen? I certainly try to be.

So to the next person who thinks about judging someone’s weight or appearance, maybe it’s a good idea to remember that everyone has their own personal story.

And to the next person that wants to be rude enough to actually ask, I have 5 words for you:

Mind your own damn business !!

Why Words Matter By Lisa Bullock

“You are so GAY!” A person younger and hipper than me once said to me at work, when I was being particularly difficult one day. I have a feeling I was being dismissive about Friends, or Grey’s Anatomy or Skins or fidget spinners or Fortnite, or dabbing, or some other cultural landmark of which I am totally clueless, because I spend all my time watching old episodes of ER and imagining it is still 1996, instead of accepting that it is almost 2020 and I am knocking on a bit.

 

I digress. The colleague didn’t man to actually offer a statement on my sexuality. What they meant to do, is imply that I was a bit useless, unknowing, hopeless, stupid, yada yada. Instead of just saying that, they chose to use the word gay. I should have challenged them on it. I don’t believe for one moment that this person was a homophobe – but they were entirely guilty perpetuating inequality by misusing language.

 

“Oh come ON! All the kids were saying that 5 years ago…does it really matter? They don’t really mean gay people are bad! Oh my GOD lighten UP!”

Well, actually, it does matter.

When you use language to negatively ascribe traits, you are cementing the idea that being gay means you are less than, wanting – unequal. In the same way that I regularly hear both men and women saying “stop being such a girl” when trying to say someone is weak, shy, scared, pedantic, bitchy or any other number of negative personality traits, these connotations seep into our collective cultural brains, and are dangerous for the body of people the words themselves represent.

How can we hope to create a more equal society when we chose to deliberately use words as a catch all for things we view as bad?

 

In a week where the language of our ruling classes and those who seek to make and administer laws which govern every facet of our lives has reached a terrifying nadir of spiteful carelessness, I’ve thought so much more about the language I use on a daily basis, and how those words might feel to someone.

We can use language to love, to be kind, to thrill, and most importantly, to help others understand us, and what we mean.

Language is powerful, and deserves respect.

Misusing that power can lead us down dangerous paths – we’ve seen that in our not very distant past, and it is not an exaggeration to say that humans have died as a result. In a world where it is increasingly easy to be heard through social media, comment and demonstration, use your voice but please, mind your language.

 

 

 

Why Abuse Of Women In Politics Hinders Democracy By Kelly Grehan

100 years on from some women gaining the vote in the UK and 99 years from the same action in the US you would think women’s participation in the political process would be accepted, if not completely ordinary and unworthy of comment.  However, far from being the case, women in politics remain viewed as interlopers and unwelcome by many.  

 

Let’s look at the evidence for why I say this: 

 

This week, 29 year old Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who is described as a rising star in the American Democrat Party, faced the seemingly inevitable abuse that comes with being a woman in politics.

A right wing website published an image showing a woman’s bare feet in the bath, under the headline: “Here’s the photo some people described as a nude selfie of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.”  

The photo was, as it happens, not of the Congresswoman, but that’s not really the point.  

 As Ocasio-Cortez wrote on Twitter the actions of the Daily Caller were “just a matter of time” as “women in leadership face more scrutiny [than men]. Period.” She went on to say :

 

Last week attempts to shame the same Congresswoman by releasing a video of her dancing from a few years before backfired when she responded with a new video of her dancing:

 https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1081234130841600000

Over 80% of women in politics, globally have experinced sexist or sexually humiliating remarks, gestures or threats and harassment which fell outside the normal political debate.  

Then there is the bizarre judgement of any women in fertility being, as former Australian Prime Minister said ‘Even before becoming prime minister, I had observed that if you are a woman politician, it is impossible to win on the question of family.

If you do not have children then you are characterised as out of touch with ‘mainstream lives’. If you do have children then, heavens, who is looking after them?I had already been chided by a senior conservative Senator for being ‘deliberately barren.’

 

Men just do not face this kind of commentary of their circumstances.  

  

Seeking to humiliate women in politics is just the tip of the iceberg: last year a global survey of women in politics, found that 44% had faced serious abuse, including threats of murder, rape and assault.  As  SNP MP,  Mhairi Black said ‘”I’m bored of gender. I’m bored of being told I should be raped and bored of being told I’m too ugly to be raped.”

 

Jess Phillips, who, lest we forget, lost her friend, MP Jo Cox to murder by a member of the far right tweeted this week:

 

With about a 50% chance of threats of violence and sexual assault hanging over them, is it any wonder so few women want to get involved in politics?

 

Globally more than 10,500 women served as national parliamentarians in 2017, accounting for around 23 percent of total parliamentarians worldwide. In the UK, over the last century there have been just 491 female MPs and more than 4,000 male MPs.

 

A Report, Violence Against Women In Politics, published last year found that reports that ‘growing acts of violence serve as a strong barrier to women accessing their right to participate fully and equally in politics and public life.’

 

Normalising the abuse of public figures – and dismissing sexism and misogyny in the political world – as simply the ‘cost of doing politics’ has devastating consequences for the quality of democracy – Around one third of female politicians who have threatened with violence online stopped expressing their opinions there or withdrew from public conversations as a result. We cannot know the number of brilliant women who are deterred from entering politics because of fear of bringing violence upon themselves and their families, but there can be no doubt there are many.

Let us be in no doubt, the  abuse of women is pushed by those who believe women have no place in politics and so must be shamed, smeared and harassed until they give up.

 It is for all good people to stand up against those with this agenda.

Should Abuse Ever Be Ignored? By The Masked Avenger Anonymous

Author Anonoymous

Maybe ignored is not the right word but I am finding words so difficult right now. You see a really good friend of mine is struggling and I am broken watching what she is going through. She is in such a bad place and I can’t help her. In fact no-one can really help her though she should have had help 65 years ago!   

She is the reason I am now wondering if sexual abuse should ever be ignored.

I had such a black and white view of this until this week you know. I was one of those people who would want to kill a paedophile and would scream at the news in anger when child molestors were given short jail sentences. Child abuse is wrong. Sexual abuse is wrong. So why would anyone think it should be ignored? 

Well what if the victim had, after many years of recovering from a mental breakdown and hours upon hours of counselling, finally moved on from a very traumatic childhood. I was so proud of my friend for this. She had her life together finally. I watched as she raised her own kids and went on to have grandchildren. I mourned with her when her husband passed away and admired how she adapted to living on her own. She was settled, happy and well and then all of a sudden this week that changed and I am angry for her. 

You see I was with her when things changed. All it took was a phone call. I was in her house when her phone went and she questioned if it was a crank caller. I wish it had been, I truly do. I wish her phone had never rung. Out of nowhere she had a call from the police. Can you imagine watching daytime TV comfy in your reclining armchair having a cuppa and a scone and a natter with your friend and the police ring you and you have no idea what has happened? 

This is why I wanted to talk to you about child abuse and sexual abuse. This is why sometimes I wonder if it IS best ignored. 

My friend was abused as a child. We just don’t talk about it. We are the generation that sweeps stuff like that under the carpet and get on with our lives. Apparently someone else decided he or she could no longer do that and several months ago the children’s home my friend was in as a young child started to be investigated by the police for abuse. Yes it happened. No-one doubts that. But this was sixty plus years ago. Yes I know the perpetrators should never have got away with it but is it right that after almost seventy years things need disturbed? 

My friend wants her life back to how it was last week and she can’t now. The resurfacing of the past is destroying her. 
She asked me why someone would upset her like this? 

She wants to know why she should have to relive memories she wants to forget. She is old and tired and has reconciled her past. The people who abused her are long dead, so she assumes. Now my friend is so so sick. She can’t sleep, she is imagining all sorts and not eating. Why do that to someone who is in their seventies? 

What is being gained from digging up the past?

Hundreds of people are going through this now. Children’s homes, boarding schools, mental hospitals and so forth from the forties, fifties and sixties are all being investigated because of abuse of children and vulnerable adults. It was common place in our time. We all know it happened and it is shocking and awful. But when I look at the state of my good friend I am so worried about these investigations now. If the victims are past pensionable age what age are the abusers now? They will have lived life and many will have passed away. Even those who are still alive, is it worth jailing a 90 year old for something he did at 19?

I know for some finally seeing their abuser locked up may give them closure but what about the other victims who have had memories dragged back up and are now left alone, vulnerable and ill as a result of having to discuss things they had long buried and moved on from? 

While the State may end up looking after the abuser people like my dear friend have been left in a state. 

I tell my grown up kids that is something isn’t broken don’t touch it. Maybe I am old and old fashioned in my ways but I can’t help but wonder if there are times when abuse is best forgotten about or ignored. 

What if the trauma of all this kills my friend?

There is no punishment enough for that.